


Live to Love

by Jensen_quackles14



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Death, F/M, Heavy Angst, Heavy Drinking, M/M, Multi, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-25 01:21:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9796103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jensen_quackles14/pseuds/Jensen_quackles14
Summary: Eren struggles to cope with everything that has happened after the fall, and Captain Levi seems to be coping with some issues as well. What happens when the two reach their limit of what they can handle?





	

“Eren!” 

I woke with a start from the terrible nightmare I was having, which seemed to be a reoccurring thing lately. It was always the same dream: I was sliding down the throat of a titan after saving my best friend, Armin, from being eaten. He called my name as he desperately tried to save me, but it was no use; my arm was bit off in my attempts to grab his arm. I slid helplessly down the throat of the titan and landed in its acid-filled stomach. I had been eaten alive. 

This wasn’t the first time I had this nightmare. No, not at all. It haunted my dreams every single night since the incident happened. I often had flashbacks of that day, and I was constantly reminded of the monster that I had become. Everyone had been terrified of me when they saw me arise from the nape of a titan’s neck – one that had killed dozens of titans and assisted the Cadets in retreating successfully after the wall was broken by the Armored Titan once again – and regenerated the arm that was bitten off. I had no memory of anything from the time I was swallowed. The last thing I remembered was seeing Armin’s horrific expression, then feeling the hot, searing pain of acid burning my skin. I had somehow transformed into a titan on that fateful day, and we still do not know the answer as to why.

I don’t blame anyone for fearing me. Hell, I feared myself as well. I didn’t understand how it all happened, but the one thing that continues to stand out in my mind is my father, the key he left me, and his demand for me to return to our house in Shiganshina and discover what he held secret in the basement. Somehow, I believe that the key I wear around my neck holds the secret behind everything that has happened to me. The basement may even hold the secret behind the titans. 

The walls were broken for the first time in over a century four years ago, and the most recent time being last year. Shinganshina district, protected by Wall Maria, was the first attack by the titans when I was still a child. All was peaceful the day it happened, and it appeared as if it would be just like any other day: humans living inside Wall Maria, the outermost wall, Wall Rose, the middle wall, and Wall Sina, the innermost wall, like cattle. I hated the thought, but livestock is all we really were. We lived inside the walls, surviving on what little land we had, safe from everything that was on the other side of the structure. Fools. Fools are what we were for believing we could shelter away from everything that dared touch us from the other side of the walls.

Mikasa and I went out early in the morning to gather firewood for our home, and as usual, I had gotten tired and taken a nap. I don’t remember what I had been dreaming of, but it was horrible. Mikasa woke me up to tell me that she had finished gathering the wood; she always did more than I did, though I don’t really know why. I remember her asking if I was alright the moment I felt a hot tear roll down my cheek: I was crying. I assumed it was because of the nightmare I had during my nap. That didn’t matter at the time, though, and I obviously couldn’t be caught crying by her. Lying, I told her I just had something in my eye, and wiped away the tear. Although I knew she didn’t believe me, she never pushed further. Why did she always have to do that? Maybe that’s why I could never be mad at her; she never asked anything she knew I didn’t want to talk about, and I appreciated it. I had planned to be a part of the Cadets when I became of age so that I could join the Scout Regiment and fight for our land, and Mikasa was the only one who knew of my plans. Well, she and Armin both knew, but no one else did. I never trusted anyone enough to tell them what I had in mind, for I was sure they would tell my parents. I’d never hear the end of it if they found out.

My mother had always been the type to avoid conflict and anything to do with the military. All she wanted was to live a peaceful life with her family and act as though everything were fine, though we were pinned inside the walls like birds inside of a cage wanting to be free, but never allowed to fly. She didn’t feel the same way I did about joining the Scout Regiment, so that’s why we had an argument about it when Mikasa told them my secret. Why did she tell them? If she would have just kept quiet like she promised, my mother would still be alive and none of this would’ve ever happened. Our last words to one another wouldn’t have been in anger, and I wouldn’t feel all the guilt I do now. After our argument, my father left to check on his patients in the inner walls, and as soon as he left, my mother made comment of how she’d never allow me to join the military. Being the hothead that I am, I yelled at her and left, Mikasa following closely behind to keep an eye on me. It was very annoying when I wanted to be alone. Why did everyone always treat me like I was unable to care for myself for ten damn minutes? 

I remember rounding the corner of a building and seeing these assholes beating up Armin. I yelled and we both ran towards them, screaming. They laughed at first, but then ran away when they saw Mikasa behind me. If there’s one thing I can say about Mikasa, it’s that she really knows how to beat the shit out of someone. No one wanted to be on her bad side. 

Armin joined us and we sat near the waterway near the center of our district. I told Armin what happened at my house and that my parents were less than pleased when Mikasa told them I planned on joining the Scout Regiment. Armin knew how I felt about living inside the walls, doing nothing but eating and sleeping; we were living like cattle. He felt the same way I did, though, for his parents died exploring the outside world. He lived with his grandfather now; he gave Armin a book about the outside world, and he and I would sometimes sit for hours reading it, mesmerized at what the book said was outside of the cage we live in. We both knew that just because the walls haven’t fallen in over a century, didn’t mean they wouldn’t fall at any time, and just as we had both thought it, the inevitable happened. The very thing humanity feared most became a reality. 

A loud crash is what we heard next, shaking the earth and rattling buildings, causing everyone to panic and wonder what happened. The three of us rushed in the direction the noise came from, and what we found there would be something we could never forget. A massive hand sat on top of the wall, which everyone thought would be impossible since the walls were over fifty meters tall. No one could move; people were gathered near the gate to the outside world as a titan, tall enough to look over the wall, loomed above us all. We were all petrified, and no one could believe what was happening. Armin, Mikasa, and I stared on in disbelief before the gate was destroyed by the Colossal Titan, sending huge pieces of the wall soaring through the air, crushing buildings and people. I stared in the direction of my home, noting that one of the pieces flew near it, and it felt as though my heart would explode. 

I ran as fast as I could to my house, believing that it would still be there and that it couldn’t possibly have been hit by the debris, but as I burst up the steps, I could only see what was left of it. The beams of the house and the roof was crushed, collapsed, and utterly destroyed, and under it all, I could vaguely see my mother. I didn’t want to believe it was happening, and I ran to my mother, ordering Mikasa to help me lift the beam off my mother. It was no use; we were too weak. Mr. Hannes came and my mother ordered him to take us away to safety, and he did so. He carried us away as I watched a titan lift my mother from the debris of our house in horror. I screamed as loud as I could for Hannes to stop so I could save her, but I felt the blood of my mother shower over me after the titan’s teeth ripped my mother’s body to shreds. 

I sit up and stare at the palms of my hands, feeling the wet drops of tears land on my skin from the remembrance of my mother’s death and everything that had happened before I joined the Cadets. Ever since the walls were broken once more and I became a titan, I have had to go to court and have my fate decided for me by Darius Zackly, the Commander-in-Chief of the military. I was placed in custody of the Scout Regiment where I was to be a science experiment for Squad-Leader Hange and Captain Levi, and a possible weapon to reclaim Wall Maria. The deal was that if I could use my “titan powers” to reclaim Wall Maria, I could live and be a part of the Scout Regiment, but if I failed, I would be sent to the Military Police and be executed. I was placed in Captain Levi’s squad among the best soldiers humanity has to offer, all handpicked by Levi himself, who is considered to be “Humanity’s Strongest Soldier.” The only reason I was placed under their supervision was because they were the ones who would kill me if I were to lose control of myself in titan-form.

Many of the graduates from the 104th Cadet Corps joined the Scout Regiment after what happened last year when the Colossal Titan reappeared. Everyone always says that my “influence” also pushed people to join even though I don’t believe it. All I did was speak my mind about how I felt about living inside the walls and wanting to explore the outside world. Expeditions were led in order for us to scout the land in hopes of reclaiming what little land we have inside the walls. Because of the loss of Wall Maria, Wall Rose and Wall Sina have become overpopulated and food shortages have been running wild. Food was already scarce before the fall, but now, many people are dying of hunger or are in poor health because there isn’t enough food to go around. It doesn’t help that the pompous assholes living in the interior are eating like pigs while other people go days at a time without food. 

I wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt before moving my legs out from under the blankets, which are now soaked with sweat from my nightmare and my tears from my thoughts, and the cold air of the basement sends chills over my damp skin. Sleeping in the basement was another stipulation I was to follow in order to remain under the Scout Regiment’s supervision. It was the most likely place to keep me contained in case of an outburst in the Scout Regiment’s headquarters. In the Military Police’s eyes, I was not to be trusted enough to sleep with my comrades in the soldier’s quarters; I was considered a monster to them and the religious leaders. The Commander of the Scout Regiment, Erwin Smith, saw me as an opportunity, however. Nevertheless, it was agreed upon that the basement was the safest place for me to stay, just in case. There wasn’t a lock on the door, though, so I was free to go and do as I please, as long as I didn’t leave the premises, of course. 

The touch of the cold floor against the bottom of my feet sent shivers up my spine and caused me to gasp. A person would think that after almost a year, I would be used to the feeling of the floor every morning, but surprisingly enough, it shocks me every morning. Despite how chilled the basement is, though, I am still drenched in sweat. I run a hand through my soaked hair and look back at my sheets. Much to my dismay, they are covered in sweat stains. 

Damn.

Somehow, I know Captain Levi would be more than irate if he found my sheets in this condition, so I calmly gather them off the mattress. The idea of him beating the shit out of me for my lack of cleanliness doesn’t seem very appealing, especially right after waking up. Mikasa hated it when she found out I got my ass kicked for something. She always blows everything out of proportion anyways. Yeah, it hurts, but not as bad as she lets on; my “titan abilities” help me heal a lot faster than other people, so it really doesn’t hurt that bad considering I start healing as soon as I get injured. I’m usually asking for it when I do get in trouble, anyways; I never clean up my mess. I’m starting to get used to in now, though. It’s not like I made my mother do everything when I was a child, its just that my mother wasn’t a clean freak, so she wouldn’t punish me for leaving a speck of dust behind. Captain Levi was another story, however. One dust particle looked like a shit stain to him. 

Captain Levi has always been a clean freak, though no one really knows exactly why. People say that it’s because he lived in the Underground District, which was notorious for contagious diseases that could cripple and kill people. I’m sure he didn’t want to be diagnosed with one, even though he wouldn’t find out until he was unable to walk because there were no doctors in the Underground. Other people say it’s because he used to be a criminal before Commander Erwin recruited him, so he always had to be clean to cover his ass so he wouldn’t get caught. Those are all rumors, though, and I honestly believe he just doesn’t like to be in a dirty environment, only he’s a little too-extreme about his cleaning. 

I begin making my way up the stairs with my bedding in-hand so that I can take them to the laundry house to be cleaned but quickly realize that I should probably clean up as well. What’s the point in washing my bedding if I’m not going to clean myself up? I set down the laundry in my hands in order to get some clean clothing. 

Shit!

I sort through the dresser in my room to discover that I only have one clean uniform left. Looks like I’ll be doing a lot more laundry than I anticipated. I shake my head, knowing that I’ll definitely be getting a lecture from Captain Levi about no keeping track of how many clean uniforms I have. It usually takes two days for the laundry to finish with one soldier’s clothes, so that means I’ll have to wear this one both days. Looks like this week is going to be hell.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

As if on cue, I hear the door open and the clicks on light, thoughtful footsteps travel down the steps, stopping in the bend of the stairway. Undoubtedly, they rounded the bend only to find my heaping mess of dirty laundry. I could hear the click of the same boots that were once light become heavy as they continued down the steps around the blockade of bedding. I felt my heart leap into my throat when I heard the sound of heels clicking together at the base of the stairs and felt two holes drilling into the back of my head, no doubt from the staring of the one person I didn’t want to discover my mess. I almost stopped breathing at the sound of the anger and frustration-filled voice behind me. 

“Oi, Eren. Care to explain what the hell this is?”


End file.
